The Wolverine (2013)

[Kalel009Shel]

I was very much looking forward to this movie, and it just let me down so much.

 

The opening sequence was grade A so beautiful and powerful. The bullet Train was also breathtaking,

but besides that this movie is as bad as they come. 

 

Who was the Villain? there were 4 half assed villains who did nothing. We have no plot to care for, and every character is underdeveloped.  The whole movie is OMG Wolverine has no powers, OMG Wolverine cant heal, oh and do you remember Wolverine cant HEAL! ohhhhh nvm, he can heal again. 

 

The dialogue was cringe worthy the whole time, does Jackman ever have anything to say other then a one liner? 

 

The biggest problem is it treats the audience like we are fucking stupid just spelling everything out for us and having 10 conversations were we learn NOTHING. The nail in the coffin though was when the old man is in the Silver Samurai armor, so fucking stupid. 

 

D+

 

I was very much looking forward to this movie, and it just let me down so much.

 

The opening sequence was grade A so beautiful and powerful. The bullet Train was also breathtaking,

but besides that this movie is as bad as they come. 

 

Who was the Villain? there were 4 half assed villains who did nothing. We have no plot to care for, and every character is underdeveloped.  The whole movie is OMG Wolverine has no powers, OMG Wolverine cant heal, oh and do you remember Wolverine cant HEAL! ohhhhh nvm, he can heal again. 

 

The dialogue was cringe worthy the whole time, does Jackman ever have anything to say other then a one liner? 

 

The biggest problem is it treats the audience like we are fucking stupid just spelling everything out for us and having 10 conversations were we learn NOTHING. The nail in the coffin though was when the old man is in the Silver Samurai armor, so fucking stupid. 

 

D+

What movie did you see...LOL...????

[RobinHood26]

On 7/27/2013 at 12:45 PM, Superman001 said:

What movie did you see...LOL...????

-

Edited May 7, 2018 by Jay Hollywood

[Kalel009Shel]

A movie that was lucky it had 2 Fantastic scenes or else it would be as bad as Origins. 

You are not a good judge of films I think.. The bear sequence, the opening sequence,,  Wolverine and his bodyguard moments , and entire ninja clan taking on weapon x...Were some of the best moments around..Also the building confrontation and the final end...

 

Its the 3rd best Xmen film with ease!!

[Michael Gary Scott]

A movie that was lucky it had 2 Fantastic scenes or else it would be as bad as Origins.

you didnt like the credit scene?

[Punishment]

Hands down the weakest X-Men film.

 

C+

 

I agree, the worst of the X-Men films

[RobinHood26]

On 7/27/2013 at 12:58 PM, Superman001 said:

You are not a good judge of films I think.. 

 

-

 

 

On 7/27/2013 at 1:10 PM, Michael Gary Scott said:

you didnt like the credit scene?

 

 

Edited May 7, 2018 by Jay Hollywood

[Gopher]

I didn't really like the movie and it's still probably the third best X-Men film. This franchise has a very spotty track record...I appreciate Mangold going for something different, and I think he gets the setting and tone right. But there's too much romantic melodrama in this samurai movie, and it's hinged on a relationship that never works (I'm talking about Mariko- the Jean Grey stuff is actually solid). Not to mention the third act is an utter disaster.

Edited July 27, 2013 by Gopher

[fishstick]

The movie starts extremly promisingly with Wolverine and a Japanese prison guard outrunning an atomic explosion. It gets better when Wolverine wakes ups from a horror dream starring overly-airbrushed Jean Grey who likes to sleep with her eyeliner on. Anyway, Wolverine is sporting a Grizz cause nothing spells long life of misery, self-loathing, broken heart and tortured soul like Grizzley Adams beard. To drive the point home, WolveGrizz is accompanied by a CGI grizzly who pisses on a tree.  

 

Next we see WolveGrizz arrive in a small town and you know that when a man with a Grizz comes to a small town it's brawl time. Well, not yet. First, he goes back to the woods to find CGI grizzly lethally wounded with a poisened arrow. So WolveGrizz takes a page from Baumer's bestseller and inflicts on the killer 100000 x a crulety he inflicted on a CGI bear. Serve you right, bitch. 

 

Unfortunately, this is where a good movie ends and a bad movie begins. Or, more precisely, really bad Shakespeare in a bonsai park begins. Cause, you see, this thing aspires to be a Shakespearan samurai soap opera saga about lust for power and immortality in a disfunctional filthy rich family (aren't they always?) played by the worst actors in Japan. That might explain why they are moonlighting in Wolverine instead of starring in Ju-on 8 and Ringu 12. They are really, really bad. Until you see Viper Woman, played in a career-ending fashion by someone with a name of an Eastern European model. This chick is an equivalent to Hulk Hogan - almost the same size, definitely the same hair and 100% same acting skill. She made Japanese family melodrama look like Streetcar Named Desire.

 

Anyway, Wolverine gets his Grizz shaved off and is taken to now very old and ill, but also obscenly rich, Japanise prison guard who outran an atomic explosion. He wants to thank Wolverine for saving his life by offering Wolverine to give him his regeneration power so he could live forever and Wolverine can live like a normal person and die eventually of an old age. In short, the guy's point is that Wolverine didn't really save him cause he's dying now 60 years later. Ungreatful jerk. Wolverine thinks so too and flips him the bird. OK, I made that up to improve the scene. He just says no because this is the story about de-powered Wolverine. He lost his quirk and in the next 3 minutes he'll lose his healing power when Viper Chick gives him the kiss of death.

 

So you can see from miles away where this is going. Old dude dies and we get to meet disfunctional family members. Greedy son (aren't they always?), beautiful granddaughter and heiress to the whole shebang (aren't they always?), adopted ugly granddaughter with a heart of gold (aren't they...), beautiful granddaughter's arranged fiance who's of course a douche (yeah, that too) and her childhood sweetheart now a Ninja and sworn protector of her safety(ditto). So the gist is that everyone has a reason to end beautiful Mariko's life - the yakuzza, the greedy father, the douchey fiance, the Viper Chick,etc - so her only hope is Wolverine. But he lost the healing power which means that he can't run faster than cars, is dizzy and sees Jean Grey when he is awake. Which is really bad cause all she wants is that he joins her in X Heaven.

 

This is a very boring part of the movie. There's action at the funeral and on top of a speed bullet but it's really a slog. Mariko is such a lifeless mannequin doll who randomly allows herself to be dragged by bad guys then expertly inflict some aikido on them and then let them drag her again. Damesel or not, make up your mind!

 

Anyway, slog continues with Mariko and Wolverine falling into each other's arms prompting yet another pointless visit from Jean cause his desire to live (Mariko) is now fighting his desire to die (Jean). Scratch Shakespeare, this is Greek tragedy.

 

To move the plot forward, Mariko is abducted yet again. This movie moves forward only thanks to her abductions so this is 50th in a row. Fortunately for Wolverine, Mariko's adopted sister Pink (she has Pink hair and inpenetrable accent so I didn't catch her name)  is Exposition Mutant so she fills him in with what happened, is happening and will happen. The latter exposition claims he will die in an OTT scene akin to Crank 2. Wolverine calls bullshit. And when you call bull on a prophecy...

 

...It comes true! Wolverine does a scan on himself to find out why he can't self-heal. Turns out, he has a scorpion in his heart. Apparently, that's what happened when Viper kissed him though her power seems to be puking acid and not breeding scorpions a la Alien Queen but whatever. Wolveirne decides to claw the scorpion out of his heart. Now, this is as ridiculous as it gets without any extra ridiculous interruption but they had to complicate the matter with more uninentionally hilarious pointless action. Enters Mariko's father, a douche who, like about 1000+ other people, tried to kill Mariko. He's sporting a ridiculous samurai armor most likely to protect him from Wolverine's claws now safely stuck in Wolvie's chest searching for heart scorpion. He is also played by Japan's very own Keanu, the most wooden Asian actor alive - Sanada. However, Pink is an expert katana-wileder so we have OTT fight over Wolvies stretcher. Two struggles are nothing short of epic - Wolvie is desperately trying to poke a scorpion out of his heart, Sanada is desperately trying to emote anger, angush, ambition, dishonor that comes with starring in this while Watanabe is Nolan's muse. Only one succeeded in his effort.

 

The victor and his pink-haired self-proclaimed bodyguard are heading to a fascility so top secret that they knew where to find it. Viper is holding Mariko there with the help of Mariko's childhood sweety who figured that Mariko must've banged Wolverine. So she cannot expect help. There, she is introduced to a Jaeger! Yes, Adementium Jaeger! So if you couldn't see the twist telegraphed from almost the beginning of the movie, you must have figured it out now. It's a Jaeger. That means it has a pilot. And the pilot could only be...

 

But before we spoil the most obivous twist, Wolvie and Jaeger have a fight in which Jaeger wants to declaw Wolvie and take his bone marrow or maybe his healing power. Now you deifnitely know who pilots the Jaeger.

 

But before we get to the most ridiculous scene of the movie littered with them, here comes second most ridic one. Viper has some WTF skin change from her sexy self to her sexy self. Yeah, you read that right. She only dropped her Hulk Hogan wig to reveal Bald Britney head that was her best look. I've no clue why she was shedding some thin snake-like skin only to end up looking like herself but bald.

 

Anyway, Pink decapitates her in a very creative fashion which is one out of 2 only good scenes in the movie (first being dramatization of Baumer's book). This is also a moment when - shocker of shockers - it's revealed that old grandfather who once outran atomic explosion is Jaeger pilot! he does a typical villain speech about what makes him thick and how his thickness can be twarted and while he's sucking Wolvie's lifeforce he starts getting younger and younger until he reaches the age of himself during the nuclear explosion. Now, if the movie had any creativity, they'd let him grow young until he becomes a baby which would be epic shooting himself in a foot. But alas, before he reaches even teenage years, Mariko stabs him with Wolverine's claws and he dies. marko inherits billions and Wolverine and Pink board a plane to take them to unknown future.

 

2 years later or 3 minutes after credits start rolling - Wolvie is about to beep at customs checkpoint when metal starts lifting and very old Magento (geez, Sir Ian really aged but still has more charisma than his younger counterpart) shows up behind him and asks for his help against Plot Device #78 - a superbomb that can destroy all mutants (which is the only plot X Men movies have). Then the time stops and very Botoxed Professor X shows up. he also has more charisma than his younger counterpart. The End.

 

I give this F-. Fuckin terrible. Worst movie I've seen this year. Hugh was as reliable as ever but the script robbed him of quirky lines that make Wolverine so appealing. This was one boring broodfest. Japoanese cast was a complete disaster. Hugh had ZERO chemsitry with Mariko and dead Jean. Remember when Wolverine and Jean were scorching? Well, brooding and playing a ghost kill the sparkage. The story was dumb shit that thought it was as profound as Platon and Homer. Total waste of my free ticket.

Edited July 27, 2013 by fishnets

[shayhiri]

Maybe his chest just wasn't hairy enough.

Edited July 27, 2013 by The SHAYNADO!!

[fishstick]

Maybe his chest wasn't hairy enough.

 

It was hairy just fine. The rest wasn't.

[ecstasy]

The movie starts extremly promisingly with Wolverine and a Japanese prison guard outrunning an atomic explosion. It gets better when Wolverine wakes ups from a horror dream starring overly-airbrushed Jean Grey who likes to sleep with her eyeliner on. Anyway, Wolverine is sporting a Grizz cause nothing spells long life of misery, self-loathing, broken heart and tortured soul like Grizzley Adams beard. To drive the point home, WolveGrizz is accompanied by a CGI grizzly who pisses on a tree.  

 

Next we see WolveGrizz arrive in a small town and you know that when a man with a Grizz comes to a small town it's brawl time. Well, not yet. First, he goes back to the woods to find CGI grizzly lethally wounded with a poisened arrow. So WolveGrizz takes a page from Baumer's bestseller and inflicts on the killer 100000 x a crulety he inflicted on a CGI bear. Serve you right, bitch. 

 

Unfortunately, this is where a good movie ends and a bad movie begins. Or, more precisely, really bad Shakespeare in a bonsai park begins. Cause, you see, this thing aspires to be a Shakespearan samurai soap opera saga about lust for power and immortality in a disfunctional filthy rich family (aren't they always?) played by the worst actors in Japan. That might explain why they are moonlighting in Wolverine instead of starring in Ju-on 8 and Ringu 12. They are really, really bad. Until you see Viper Woman, played in a career-ending fashion by someone with a name of an Eastern European model. This chick is an equivalent to Hulk Hogan - almost the same size, definitely the same hair and 100% same acting skill. She made Japanese family melodrama look like Streetcar Named Desire.

 

Anyway, Wolverine gets his Grizz shaved off and is taken to now very old and ill, but also obscenly rich, Japanise prison guard who outran an atomic explosion. He wants to thank Wolverine for saving his life by offering Wolverine to give him his regeneration power so he could live forever and Wolverine can live like a normal person and die eventually of an old age. In short, the guy's point is that Wolverine didn't really save him cause he's dying now 60 years later. Ungreatful jerk. Wolverine thinks so too and flips him the bird. OK, I made that up to improve the scene. He just says no because this is the story about de-powered Wolverine. He lost his quirk and in the next 3 minutes he'll lose his healing power when Viper Chick gives him the kiss of death.

 

So you can see from miles away where this is going. Old dude dies and we get to meet disfunctional family members. Greedy son (aren't they always?), beautiful granddaughter and heiress to the whole shebang (aren't they always?), adopted ugly granddaughter with a heart of gold (aren't they...), beautiful granddaughter's arranged fiance who's of course a douche (yeah, that too) and her childhood sweetheart now a Ninja and sworn protector of her safety(ditto). So the gist is that everyone has a reason to end beautiful Mariko's life - the yakuzza, the greedy father, the douchey fiance, the Viper Chick,etc - so her only hope is Wolverine. But he lost the healing power which means that he can't run faster than cars, is dizzy and sees Jean Grey when he is awake. Which is really bad cause all she wants is that he joins her in X Heaven.

 

This is a very boring part of the movie. There's action at the funeral and on top of a speed bullet but it's really a slog. Mariko is such a lifeless mannequin doll who randomly allows herself to be dragged by bad guys then expertly inflict some aikido on them and then let them drag her again. Damesel or not, make up your mind!

 

Anyway, slog continues with Mariko and Wolverine falling into each other's arms prompting yet another pointless visit from Jean cause his desire to live (Mariko) is now fighting his desire to die (Jean). Scratch Shakespeare, this is Greek tragedy.

 

To move the plot forward, Mariko is abducted yet again. This movie moves forward only thanks to her abductions so this is 50th in a row. Fortunately for Wolverine, Mariko's adopted sister Pink (she has Pink hair and inpenetrable accent so I didn't catch her name)  is Exposition Mutant so she fills him in with what happened, is happening and will happen. The latter exposition claims he will die in an OTT scene akin to Crank 2. Wolverine calls bullshit. And when you call bull on a prophecy...

 

...It comes true! Wolverine does a scan on himself to find out why he can't self-heal. Turns out, he has a scorpion in his heart. Apparently, that's what happened when Viper kissed him though her power seems to be puking acid and not breeding scorpions a la Alien Queen but whatever. Wolveirne decides to claw the scorpion out of his heart. Now, this is as ridiculous as it gets without any extra ridiculous interruption but they had to complicate the matter with more uninentionally hilarious pointless action. Enters Mariko's father, a douche who, like about 1000+ other people, tried to kill Mariko. He's sporting a ridiculous samurai armor most likely to protect him from Wolverine's claws now safely stuck in Wolvie's chest searching for heart scorpion. He is also played by Japan's very own Keanu, the most wooden Asian actor alive - Sanada. However, Pink is an expert katana-wileder so we have OTT fight over Wolvies stretcher. Two struggles are nothing short of epic - Wolvie is desperately trying to poke a scorpion out of his heart, Sanada is desperately trying to emote anger, angush, ambition, dishonor that comes with starring in this while Watanabe is Nolan's muse. Only one succeeded in his effort.

 

The victor and his pink-haired self-proclaimed bodyguard are heading to a fascility so top secret that they knew where to find it. Viper is holding Mariko there with the help of Mariko's childhood sweety who figured that Mariko must've banged Wolverine. So she cannot expect help. There, she is introduced to a Jaeger! Yes, Adementium Jaeger! So if you couldn't see the twist telegraphed from almost the beginning of the movie, you must have figured it out now. It's a Jaeger. That means it has a pilot. And the pilot could only be...

 

But before we spoil the most obivous twist, Wolvie and Jaeger have a fight in which Jaeger wants to declaw Wolvie and take his bone marrow or maybe his healing power. Now you deifnitely know who pilots the Jaeger.

 

But before we get to the most ridiculous scene of the movie littered with them, here comes second most ridic one. Viper has some WTF skin change from her sexy self to her sexy self. Yeah, you read that right. She only dropped her Hulk Hogan wig to reveal Bald Britney head that was her best look. I've no clue why she was shedding some thin snake-like skin only to end up looking like herself but bald.

 

Anyway, Pink decapitates her in a very creative fashion which is one out of 2 only good scenes in the movie (first being dramatization of Baumer's book). This is also a moment when - shocker of shockers - it's revealed that old grandfather who once outran atomic explosion is Jaeger pilot! he does a typical villain speech about what makes him thick and how his thickness can be twarted and while he's sucking Wolvie's lifeforce he starts getting younger and younger until he reaches the age of himself during the nuclear explosion. Now, if the movie had any creativity, they'd let him grow young until he becomes a baby which would be epic shooting himself in a foot. But alas, before he reaches even teenage years, Mariko stabs him with Wolverine's claws and he dies. marko inherits billions and Wolverine and Pink board a plane to take them to unknown future.

 

2 years later or 3 minutes after credits start rolling - Wolvie is about to beep at customs checkpoint when metal starts lifting and very old Magento (geez, Sir Ian really aged but still has more charisma than his younger counterpart) shows up behind him and asks for his help against Plot Device #78 - a superbomb that can destroy all mutants (which is the only plot X Men movies have). Then the time stops and very Botoxed Professor X shows up. he also has more charisma than his younger counterpart. The End.

 

I give this F-. Fuckin terrible. Worst movie I've seen this year. Hugh was as reliable as ever but the script robbed him of quirky lines that make Wolverine so appealing. This was one boring broodfest. Japoanese cast was a complete disaster. Hugh had ZERO chemsitry with Mariko and dead Jean. Remember when Wolverine and Jean were scorching? Well, brooding and playing a ghost kill the sparkage. The story was dumb shit that thought it was as profound as Platon and Homer. Total waste of my free ticket.

 

LOL this is by far the funniest interview I have ever read on here. The bolded had me rolling.

[fishstick]

It's all true. I didn't make anything up.

[CJohn]

Im a little confused as to how wolverine remembered his japanese friend because in Origins he got shot in the head and forgot everything. Does anyone care to explain this?

This Universe makes no sense. We should just try to understand it.

 

The movie was fine, I have seen far worst, probably at X1 level. But by every movie FOX does it buries himself even more. 

Edited July 28, 2013 by CJohn

[A Marvel Fanboy]

The movie starts extremly promisingly with Wolverine and a Japanese prison guard outrunning an atomic explosion. It gets better when Wolverine wakes ups from a horror dream starring overly-airbrushed Jean Grey who likes to sleep with her eyeliner on. Anyway, Wolverine is sporting a Grizz cause nothing spells long life of misery, self-loathing, broken heart and tortured soul like Grizzley Adams beard. To drive the point home, WolveGrizz is accompanied by a CGI grizzly who pisses on a tree.  

 

Next we see WolveGrizz arrive in a small town and you know that when a man with a Grizz comes to a small town it's brawl time. Well, not yet. First, he goes back to the woods to find CGI grizzly lethally wounded with a poisened arrow. So WolveGrizz takes a page from Baumer's bestseller and inflicts on the killer 100000 x a crulety he inflicted on a CGI bear. Serve you right, bitch. 

 

Unfortunately, this is where a good movie ends and a bad movie begins. Or, more precisely, really bad Shakespeare in a bonsai park begins. Cause, you see, this thing aspires to be a Shakespearan samurai soap opera saga about lust for power and immortality in a disfunctional filthy rich family (aren't they always?) played by the worst actors in Japan. That might explain why they are moonlighting in Wolverine instead of starring in Ju-on 8 and Ringu 12. They are really, really bad. Until you see Viper Woman, played in a career-ending fashion by someone with a name of an Eastern European model. This chick is an equivalent to Hulk Hogan - almost the same size, definitely the same hair and 100% same acting skill. She made Japanese family melodrama look like Streetcar Named Desire.

 

Anyway, Wolverine gets his Grizz shaved off and is taken to now very old and ill, but also obscenly rich, Japanise prison guard who outran an atomic explosion. He wants to thank Wolverine for saving his life by offering Wolverine to give him his regeneration power so he could live forever and Wolverine can live like a normal person and die eventually of an old age. In short, the guy's point is that Wolverine didn't really save him cause he's dying now 60 years later. Ungreatful jerk. Wolverine thinks so too and flips him the bird. OK, I made that up to improve the scene. He just says no because this is the story about de-powered Wolverine. He lost his quirk and in the next 3 minutes he'll lose his healing power when Viper Chick gives him the kiss of death.

 

So you can see from miles away where this is going. Old dude dies and we get to meet disfunctional family members. Greedy son (aren't they always?), beautiful granddaughter and heiress to the whole shebang (aren't they always?), adopted ugly granddaughter with a heart of gold (aren't they...), beautiful granddaughter's arranged fiance who's of course a douche (yeah, that too) and her childhood sweetheart now a Ninja and sworn protector of her safety(ditto). So the gist is that everyone has a reason to end beautiful Mariko's life - the yakuzza, the greedy father, the douchey fiance, the Viper Chick,etc - so her only hope is Wolverine. But he lost the healing power which means that he can't run faster than cars, is dizzy and sees Jean Grey when he is awake. Which is really bad cause all she wants is that he joins her in X Heaven.

 

This is a very boring part of the movie. There's action at the funeral and on top of a speed bullet but it's really a slog. Mariko is such a lifeless mannequin doll who randomly allows herself to be dragged by bad guys then expertly inflict some aikido on them and then let them drag her again. Damesel or not, make up your mind!

 

Anyway, slog continues with Mariko and Wolverine falling into each other's arms prompting yet another pointless visit from Jean cause his desire to live (Mariko) is now fighting his desire to die (Jean). Scratch Shakespeare, this is Greek tragedy.

 

To move the plot forward, Mariko is abducted yet again. This movie moves forward only thanks to her abductions so this is 50th in a row. Fortunately for Wolverine, Mariko's adopted sister Pink (she has Pink hair and inpenetrable accent so I didn't catch her name)  is Exposition Mutant so she fills him in with what happened, is happening and will happen. The latter exposition claims he will die in an OTT scene akin to Crank 2. Wolverine calls bullshit. And when you call bull on a prophecy...

 

...It comes true! Wolverine does a scan on himself to find out why he can't self-heal. Turns out, he has a scorpion in his heart. Apparently, that's what happened when Viper kissed him though her power seems to be puking acid and not breeding scorpions a la Alien Queen but whatever. Wolveirne decides to claw the scorpion out of his heart. Now, this is as ridiculous as it gets without any extra ridiculous interruption but they had to complicate the matter with more uninentionally hilarious pointless action. Enters Mariko's father, a douche who, like about 1000+ other people, tried to kill Mariko. He's sporting a ridiculous samurai armor most likely to protect him from Wolverine's claws now safely stuck in Wolvie's chest searching for heart scorpion. He is also played by Japan's very own Keanu, the most wooden Asian actor alive - Sanada. However, Pink is an expert katana-wileder so we have OTT fight over Wolvies stretcher. Two struggles are nothing short of epic - Wolvie is desperately trying to poke a scorpion out of his heart, Sanada is desperately trying to emote anger, angush, ambition, dishonor that comes with starring in this while Watanabe is Nolan's muse. Only one succeeded in his effort.

 

The victor and his pink-haired self-proclaimed bodyguard are heading to a fascility so top secret that they knew where to find it. Viper is holding Mariko there with the help of Mariko's childhood sweety who figured that Mariko must've banged Wolverine. So she cannot expect help. There, she is introduced to a Jaeger! Yes, Adementium Jaeger! So if you couldn't see the twist telegraphed from almost the beginning of the movie, you must have figured it out now. It's a Jaeger. That means it has a pilot. And the pilot could only be...

 

But before we spoil the most obivous twist, Wolvie and Jaeger have a fight in which Jaeger wants to declaw Wolvie and take his bone marrow or maybe his healing power. Now you deifnitely know who pilots the Jaeger.

 

But before we get to the most ridiculous scene of the movie littered with them, here comes second most ridic one. Viper has some WTF skin change from her sexy self to her sexy self. Yeah, you read that right. She only dropped her Hulk Hogan wig to reveal Bald Britney head that was her best look. I've no clue why she was shedding some thin snake-like skin only to end up looking like herself but bald.

 

Anyway, Pink decapitates her in a very creative fashion which is one out of 2 only good scenes in the movie (first being dramatization of Baumer's book). This is also a moment when - shocker of shockers - it's revealed that old grandfather who once outran atomic explosion is Jaeger pilot! he does a typical villain speech about what makes him thick and how his thickness can be twarted and while he's sucking Wolvie's lifeforce he starts getting younger and younger until he reaches the age of himself during the nuclear explosion. Now, if the movie had any creativity, they'd let him grow young until he becomes a baby which would be epic shooting himself in a foot. But alas, before he reaches even teenage years, Mariko stabs him with Wolverine's claws and he dies. marko inherits billions and Wolverine and Pink board a plane to take them to unknown future.

 

2 years later or 3 minutes after credits start rolling - Wolvie is about to beep at customs checkpoint when metal starts lifting and very old Magento (geez, Sir Ian really aged but still has more charisma than his younger counterpart) shows up behind him and asks for his help against Plot Device #78 - a superbomb that can destroy all mutants (which is the only plot X Men movies have). Then the time stops and very Botoxed Professor X shows up. he also has more charisma than his younger counterpart. The End.

 

I give this F-. Fuckin terrible. Worst movie I've seen this year. Hugh was as reliable as ever but the script robbed him of quirky lines that make Wolverine so appealing. This was one boring broodfest. Japoanese cast was a complete disaster. Hugh had ZERO chemsitry with Mariko and dead Jean. Remember when Wolverine and Jean were scorching? Well, brooding and playing a ghost kill the sparkage. The story was dumb shit that thought it was as profound as Platon and Homer. Total waste of my free ticket.

Jaw-dropping ... 

[A Marvel Fanboy]

So can someone quickly point me when the story takes place in the movie ? 4 years after XOW or 4 years after X3 or ??

[Michael Gary Scott]

After x3

[fishstick]

Certainly after X3 cause Jean is dead. Wolvie doesn't even think of Lyn Collins character from Origins.

[Water Bottle]

A-

 

The good:

The action scenes

Hugh Jackman

The character arc was really great

It made me care about the Japanese characters

That post-credits cliff-hanger ending

I liked the plot despite it's problems

 

The bad:

The opening was a little too slow

The plot was a little too unfocused with too many players

The doctor's motivations were never explained

The ending almost lost it's personal connection with Wolverine

 

Overall: A really good film that was entertaining and shockingly a personal movie (Iooking at you X-Men Origins: Wolverine) that works well as a character journey but falls apart a little when it comes to the plot.

[Cochofles]

The movie starts extremly promisingly with Wolverine and a Japanese prison guard outrunning an atomic explosion. It gets better when Wolverine wakes ups from a horror dream starring overly-airbrushed Jean Grey who likes to sleep with her eyeliner on. Anyway, Wolverine is sporting a Grizz cause nothing spells long life of misery, self-loathing, broken heart and tortured soul like Grizzley Adams beard. To drive the point home, WolveGrizz is accompanied by a CGI grizzly who pisses on a tree.  

 

Next we see WolveGrizz arrive in a small town and you know that when a man with a Grizz comes to a small town it's brawl time. Well, not yet. First, he goes back to the woods to find CGI grizzly lethally wounded with a poisened arrow. So WolveGrizz takes a page from Baumer's bestseller and inflicts on the killer 100000 x a crulety he inflicted on a CGI bear. Serve you right, bitch. 

 

Unfortunately, this is where a good movie ends and a bad movie begins. Or, more precisely, really bad Shakespeare in a bonsai park begins. Cause, you see, this thing aspires to be a Shakespearan samurai soap opera saga about lust for power and immortality in a disfunctional filthy rich family (aren't they always?) played by the worst actors in Japan. That might explain why they are moonlighting in Wolverine instead of starring in Ju-on 8 and Ringu 12. They are really, really bad. Until you see Viper Woman, played in a career-ending fashion by someone with a name of an Eastern European model. This chick is an equivalent to Hulk Hogan - almost the same size, definitely the same hair and 100% same acting skill. She made Japanese family melodrama look like Streetcar Named Desire.

 

Anyway, Wolverine gets his Grizz shaved off and is taken to now very old and ill, but also obscenly rich, Japanise prison guard who outran an atomic explosion. He wants to thank Wolverine for saving his life by offering Wolverine to give him his regeneration power so he could live forever and Wolverine can live like a normal person and die eventually of an old age. In short, the guy's point is that Wolverine didn't really save him cause he's dying now 60 years later. Ungreatful jerk. Wolverine thinks so too and flips him the bird. OK, I made that up to improve the scene. He just says no because this is the story about de-powered Wolverine. He lost his quirk and in the next 3 minutes he'll lose his healing power when Viper Chick gives him the kiss of death.

 

So you can see from miles away where this is going. Old dude dies and we get to meet disfunctional family members. Greedy son (aren't they always?), beautiful granddaughter and heiress to the whole shebang (aren't they always?), adopted ugly granddaughter with a heart of gold (aren't they...), beautiful granddaughter's arranged fiance who's of course a douche (yeah, that too) and her childhood sweetheart now a Ninja and sworn protector of her safety(ditto). So the gist is that everyone has a reason to end beautiful Mariko's life - the yakuzza, the greedy father, the douchey fiance, the Viper Chick,etc - so her only hope is Wolverine. But he lost the healing power which means that he can't run faster than cars, is dizzy and sees Jean Grey when he is awake. Which is really bad cause all she wants is that he joins her in X Heaven.

 

This is a very boring part of the movie. There's action at the funeral and on top of a speed bullet but it's really a slog. Mariko is such a lifeless mannequin doll who randomly allows herself to be dragged by bad guys then expertly inflict some aikido on them and then let them drag her again. Damesel or not, make up your mind!

 

Anyway, slog continues with Mariko and Wolverine falling into each other's arms prompting yet another pointless visit from Jean cause his desire to live (Mariko) is now fighting his desire to die (Jean). Scratch Shakespeare, this is Greek tragedy.

 

To move the plot forward, Mariko is abducted yet again. This movie moves forward only thanks to her abductions so this is 50th in a row. Fortunately for Wolverine, Mariko's adopted sister Pink (she has Pink hair and inpenetrable accent so I didn't catch her name)  is Exposition Mutant so she fills him in with what happened, is happening and will happen. The latter exposition claims he will die in an OTT scene akin to Crank 2. Wolverine calls bullshit. And when you call bull on a prophecy...

 

...It comes true! Wolverine does a scan on himself to find out why he can't self-heal. Turns out, he has a scorpion in his heart. Apparently, that's what happened when Viper kissed him though her power seems to be puking acid and not breeding scorpions a la Alien Queen but whatever. Wolveirne decides to claw the scorpion out of his heart. Now, this is as ridiculous as it gets without any extra ridiculous interruption but they had to complicate the matter with more uninentionally hilarious pointless action. Enters Mariko's father, a douche who, like about 1000+ other people, tried to kill Mariko. He's sporting a ridiculous samurai armor most likely to protect him from Wolverine's claws now safely stuck in Wolvie's chest searching for heart scorpion. He is also played by Japan's very own Keanu, the most wooden Asian actor alive - Sanada. However, Pink is an expert katana-wileder so we have OTT fight over Wolvies stretcher. Two struggles are nothing short of epic - Wolvie is desperately trying to poke a scorpion out of his heart, Sanada is desperately trying to emote anger, angush, ambition, dishonor that comes with starring in this while Watanabe is Nolan's muse. Only one succeeded in his effort.

 

The victor and his pink-haired self-proclaimed bodyguard are heading to a fascility so top secret that they knew where to find it. Viper is holding Mariko there with the help of Mariko's childhood sweety who figured that Mariko must've banged Wolverine. So she cannot expect help. There, she is introduced to a Jaeger! Yes, Adementium Jaeger! So if you couldn't see the twist telegraphed from almost the beginning of the movie, you must have figured it out now. It's a Jaeger. That means it has a pilot. And the pilot could only be...

 

But before we spoil the most obivous twist, Wolvie and Jaeger have a fight in which Jaeger wants to declaw Wolvie and take his bone marrow or maybe his healing power. Now you deifnitely know who pilots the Jaeger.

 

But before we get to the most ridiculous scene of the movie littered with them, here comes second most ridic one. Viper has some WTF skin change from her sexy self to her sexy self. Yeah, you read that right. She only dropped her Hulk Hogan wig to reveal Bald Britney head that was her best look. I've no clue why she was shedding some thin snake-like skin only to end up looking like herself but bald.

 

Anyway, Pink decapitates her in a very creative fashion which is one out of 2 only good scenes in the movie (first being dramatization of Baumer's book). This is also a moment when - shocker of shockers - it's revealed that old grandfather who once outran atomic explosion is Jaeger pilot! he does a typical villain speech about what makes him thick and how his thickness can be twarted and while he's sucking Wolvie's lifeforce he starts getting younger and younger until he reaches the age of himself during the nuclear explosion. Now, if the movie had any creativity, they'd let him grow young until he becomes a baby which would be epic shooting himself in a foot. But alas, before he reaches even teenage years, Mariko stabs him with Wolverine's claws and he dies. marko inherits billions and Wolverine and Pink board a plane to take them to unknown future.

 

2 years later or 3 minutes after credits start rolling - Wolvie is about to beep at customs checkpoint when metal starts lifting and very old Magento (geez, Sir Ian really aged but still has more charisma than his younger counterpart) shows up behind him and asks for his help against Plot Device #78 - a superbomb that can destroy all mutants (which is the only plot X Men movies have). Then the time stops and very Botoxed Professor X shows up. he also has more charisma than his younger counterpart. The End.

 

I give this F-. Fuckin terrible. Worst movie I've seen this year. Hugh was as reliable as ever but the script robbed him of quirky lines that make Wolverine so appealing. This was one boring broodfest. Japoanese cast was a complete disaster. Hugh had ZERO chemsitry with Mariko and dead Jean. Remember when Wolverine and Jean were scorching? Well, brooding and playing a ghost kill the sparkage. The story was dumb shit that thought it was as profound as Platon and Homer. Total waste of my free ticket.

 

Is this all serious? The scorpion in his heart is not a joke?  Please tell me this is all your awesome imagination/storytelling being all psychedelic!!! If it is true, the film is awful...

[fishstick]

Nope. That's all in the movie. Awesome imagination isn't mine, unfortunately. Kneel before the scriptwriters.