The Wolverine (2013)

[somebody85]

The movie starts extremly promisingly with Wolverine and a Japanese prison guard outrunning an atomic explosion. It gets better when Wolverine wakes ups from a horror dream starring overly-airbrushed Jean Grey who likes to sleep with her eyeliner on. Anyway, Wolverine is sporting a Grizz cause nothing spells long life of misery, self-loathing, broken heart and tortured soul like Grizzley Adams beard. To drive the point home, WolveGrizz is accompanied by a CGI grizzly who pisses on a tree.  

 

Next we see WolveGrizz arrive in a small town and you know that when a man with a Grizz comes to a small town it's brawl time. Well, not yet. First, he goes back to the woods to find CGI grizzly lethally wounded with a poisened arrow. So WolveGrizz takes a page from Baumer's bestseller and inflicts on the killer 100000 x a crulety he inflicted on a CGI bear. Serve you right, bitch. 

 

Unfortunately, this is where a good movie ends and a bad movie begins. Or, more precisely, really bad Shakespeare in a bonsai park begins. Cause, you see, this thing aspires to be a Shakespearan samurai soap opera saga about lust for power and immortality in a disfunctional filthy rich family (aren't they always?) played by the worst actors in Japan. That might explain why they are moonlighting in Wolverine instead of starring in Ju-on 8 and Ringu 12. They are really, really bad. Until you see Viper Woman, played in a career-ending fashion by someone with a name of an Eastern European model. This chick is an equivalent to Hulk Hogan - almost the same size, definitely the same hair and 100% same acting skill. She made Japanese family melodrama look like Streetcar Named Desire.

 

Anyway, Wolverine gets his Grizz shaved off and is taken to now very old and ill, but also obscenly rich, Japanise prison guard who outran an atomic explosion. He wants to thank Wolverine for saving his life by offering Wolverine to give him his regeneration power so he could live forever and Wolverine can live like a normal person and die eventually of an old age. In short, the guy's point is that Wolverine didn't really save him cause he's dying now 60 years later. Ungreatful jerk. Wolverine thinks so too and flips him the bird. OK, I made that up to improve the scene. He just says no because this is the story about de-powered Wolverine. He lost his quirk and in the next 3 minutes he'll lose his healing power when Viper Chick gives him the kiss of death.

 

So you can see from miles away where this is going. Old dude dies and we get to meet disfunctional family members. Greedy son (aren't they always?), beautiful granddaughter and heiress to the whole shebang (aren't they always?), adopted ugly granddaughter with a heart of gold (aren't they...), beautiful granddaughter's arranged fiance who's of course a douche (yeah, that too) and her childhood sweetheart now a Ninja and sworn protector of her safety(ditto). So the gist is that everyone has a reason to end beautiful Mariko's life - the yakuzza, the greedy father, the douchey fiance, the Viper Chick,etc - so her only hope is Wolverine. But he lost the healing power which means that he can't run faster than cars, is dizzy and sees Jean Grey when he is awake. Which is really bad cause all she wants is that he joins her in X Heaven.

 

This is a very boring part of the movie. There's action at the funeral and on top of a speed bullet but it's really a slog. Mariko is such a lifeless mannequin doll who randomly allows herself to be dragged by bad guys then expertly inflict some aikido on them and then let them drag her again. Damesel or not, make up your mind!

 

Anyway, slog continues with Mariko and Wolverine falling into each other's arms prompting yet another pointless visit from Jean cause his desire to live (Mariko) is now fighting his desire to die (Jean). Scratch Shakespeare, this is Greek tragedy.

 

To move the plot forward, Mariko is abducted yet again. This movie moves forward only thanks to her abductions so this is 50th in a row. Fortunately for Wolverine, Mariko's adopted sister Pink (she has Pink hair and inpenetrable accent so I didn't catch her name)  is Exposition Mutant so she fills him in with what happened, is happening and will happen. The latter exposition claims he will die in an OTT scene akin to Crank 2. Wolverine calls bullshit. And when you call bull on a prophecy...

 

...It comes true! Wolverine does a scan on himself to find out why he can't self-heal. Turns out, he has a scorpion in his heart. Apparently, that's what happened when Viper kissed him though her power seems to be puking acid and not breeding scorpions a la Alien Queen but whatever. Wolveirne decides to claw the scorpion out of his heart. Now, this is as ridiculous as it gets without any extra ridiculous interruption but they had to complicate the matter with more uninentionally hilarious pointless action. Enters Mariko's father, a douche who, like about 1000+ other people, tried to kill Mariko. He's sporting a ridiculous samurai armor most likely to protect him from Wolverine's claws now safely stuck in Wolvie's chest searching for heart scorpion. He is also played by Japan's very own Keanu, the most wooden Asian actor alive - Sanada. However, Pink is an expert katana-wileder so we have OTT fight over Wolvies stretcher. Two struggles are nothing short of epic - Wolvie is desperately trying to poke a scorpion out of his heart, Sanada is desperately trying to emote anger, angush, ambition, dishonor that comes with starring in this while Watanabe is Nolan's muse. Only one succeeded in his effort.

 

The victor and his pink-haired self-proclaimed bodyguard are heading to a fascility so top secret that they knew where to find it. Viper is holding Mariko there with the help of Mariko's childhood sweety who figured that Mariko must've banged Wolverine. So she cannot expect help. There, she is introduced to a Jaeger! Yes, Adementium Jaeger! So if you couldn't see the twist telegraphed from almost the beginning of the movie, you must have figured it out now. It's a Jaeger. That means it has a pilot. And the pilot could only be...

 

But before we spoil the most obivous twist, Wolvie and Jaeger have a fight in which Jaeger wants to declaw Wolvie and take his bone marrow or maybe his healing power. Now you deifnitely know who pilots the Jaeger.

 

But before we get to the most ridiculous scene of the movie littered with them, here comes second most ridic one. Viper has some WTF skin change from her sexy self to her sexy self. Yeah, you read that right. She only dropped her Hulk Hogan wig to reveal Bald Britney head that was her best look. I've no clue why she was shedding some thin snake-like skin only to end up looking like herself but bald.

 

Anyway, Pink decapitates her in a very creative fashion which is one out of 2 only good scenes in the movie (first being dramatization of Baumer's book). This is also a moment when - shocker of shockers - it's revealed that old grandfather who once outran atomic explosion is Jaeger pilot! he does a typical villain speech about what makes him thick and how his thickness can be twarted and while he's sucking Wolvie's lifeforce he starts getting younger and younger until he reaches the age of himself during the nuclear explosion. Now, if the movie had any creativity, they'd let him grow young until he becomes a baby which would be epic shooting himself in a foot. But alas, before he reaches even teenage years, Mariko stabs him with Wolverine's claws and he dies. marko inherits billions and Wolverine and Pink board a plane to take them to unknown future.

 

2 years later or 3 minutes after credits start rolling - Wolvie is about to beep at customs checkpoint when metal starts lifting and very old Magento (geez, Sir Ian really aged but still has more charisma than his younger counterpart) shows up behind him and asks for his help against Plot Device #78 - a superbomb that can destroy all mutants (which is the only plot X Men movies have). Then the time stops and very Botoxed Professor X shows up. he also has more charisma than his younger counterpart. The End.

 

I give this F-. Fuckin terrible. Worst movie I've seen this year. Hugh was as reliable as ever but the script robbed him of quirky lines that make Wolverine so appealing. This was one boring broodfest. Japoanese cast was a complete disaster. Hugh had ZERO chemsitry with Mariko and dead Jean. Remember when Wolverine and Jean were scorching? Well, brooding and playing a ghost kill the sparkage. The story was dumb shit that thought it was as profound as Platon and Homer. Total waste of my free ticket.

 

hahaha nailed it. I nearly dozed off about 4-5 times during this which I never do during a summer blockbuster. If you want to see "Wolverines Great Japan Adventure" then this is your movie. Come witness your favorite hero do battle with a giant samurai robot and a villian that looks like she walked off the set of Electra. In the meantime watch him mope around and have endless dialogue with characters that goes nowhere...oh and there's a cool train fight.

 

To me the only thing that felt X-Men related at all was the beginning, the Jean Grey scenes, and the Mid Credits scene (which I wouldn't even qualify as the same movie). Once the red haired girl showed up and Wolvie got to Japan, the movie was all downhill for me. I couldn't remember a single characters name besides Wolverine & Jean Grey 5 minutes after leaving the theater. Had no clue the villian was Viper.

 

Like fishnets I called the japanese actors the same thing lol. The girlfriend, the red haired sister/bodyguard, the hooded guy, and the grandfather. Huge step down from X-Men: First Class and can't really say it was better then the first Wolverine movie either.

I couldn't wait for this to end but it just kept going.

 

D

Edited August 1, 2013 by somebody85

[John Marston]

I wanted to like this movie but for the most part I found it pretty boring. The supposed bad last part with the Silver Samurai I thought was the most enjoyable part of the film.. Also, who's dumb idea was it to make him lose the adamantium claws? And weren't the bone claws just coated with that? 

[RobinHood26]

Fuck Bone Claws... Like wtf! Does that mean in DOFP he has bone claws? Cause if so that blows. 

[fishstick]

DOFP will also have heavily Botox'd Xavier. Thast blows more than Bone Claws.

[Sam]

DOFP will also have heavily Botox'd Xavier. Thast blows more than Bone Claws.

:lol:I noticed that too when watching the mid-credits scene. I was like "man, that's some heavily stretched skin" :lol:And the bone claws are so ugly, I hope he'll be back with the usual adamantium claws.

[lab276]

As long as he doesn't get them back easily.

[Sam]

Yeah, the bone claws is a consequence of things that happened in Japan. They showed it in the mid-credit scenes that's 2 years later (when they could have just show the adamantium claws and have people assumed healing factor as the natural cause) so maybe they have plans to do something about it.

Edited August 3, 2013 by Sam

[Jack Nevada]

Very average. Started out well but kept getting more boring and less interesting.

[The Stingray]

Viper was hot, but irrelevant to the story, with some truly trash dialogue coming out of her venomous mouth.

Edited August 5, 2013 by Karl Ruger - The Stingray™

[Battousai]

The movie starts extremly promisingly with Wolverine and a Japanese prison guard outrunning an atomic explosion. It gets better when Wolverine wakes ups from a horror dream starring overly-airbrushed Jean Grey who likes to sleep with her eyeliner on. Anyway, Wolverine is sporting a Grizz cause nothing spells long life of misery, self-loathing, broken heart and tortured soul like Grizzley Adams beard. To drive the point home, WolveGrizz is accompanied by a CGI grizzly who pisses on a tree.  

 

Next we see WolveGrizz arrive in a small town and you know that when a man with a Grizz comes to a small town it's brawl time. Well, not yet. First, he goes back to the woods to find CGI grizzly lethally wounded with a poisened arrow. So WolveGrizz takes a page from Baumer's bestseller and inflicts on the killer 100000 x a crulety he inflicted on a CGI bear. Serve you right, bitch. 

 

Unfortunately, this is where a good movie ends and a bad movie begins. Or, more precisely, really bad Shakespeare in a bonsai park begins. Cause, you see, this thing aspires to be a Shakespearan samurai soap opera saga about lust for power and immortality in a disfunctional filthy rich family (aren't they always?) played by the worst actors in Japan. That might explain why they are moonlighting in Wolverine instead of starring in Ju-on 8 and Ringu 12. They are really, really bad. Until you see Viper Woman, played in a career-ending fashion by someone with a name of an Eastern European model. This chick is an equivalent to Hulk Hogan - almost the same size, definitely the same hair and 100% same acting skill. She made Japanese family melodrama look like Streetcar Named Desire.

 

Anyway, Wolverine gets his Grizz shaved off and is taken to now very old and ill, but also obscenly rich, Japanise prison guard who outran an atomic explosion. He wants to thank Wolverine for saving his life by offering Wolverine to give him his regeneration power so he could live forever and Wolverine can live like a normal person and die eventually of an old age. In short, the guy's point is that Wolverine didn't really save him cause he's dying now 60 years later. Ungreatful jerk. Wolverine thinks so too and flips him the bird. OK, I made that up to improve the scene. He just says no because this is the story about de-powered Wolverine. He lost his quirk and in the next 3 minutes he'll lose his healing power when Viper Chick gives him the kiss of death.

 

So you can see from miles away where this is going. Old dude dies and we get to meet disfunctional family members. Greedy son (aren't they always?), beautiful granddaughter and heiress to the whole shebang (aren't they always?), adopted ugly granddaughter with a heart of gold (aren't they...), beautiful granddaughter's arranged fiance who's of course a douche (yeah, that too) and her childhood sweetheart now a Ninja and sworn protector of her safety(ditto). So the gist is that everyone has a reason to end beautiful Mariko's life - the yakuzza, the greedy father, the douchey fiance, the Viper Chick,etc - so her only hope is Wolverine. But he lost the healing power which means that he can't run faster than cars, is dizzy and sees Jean Grey when he is awake. Which is really bad cause all she wants is that he joins her in X Heaven.

 

This is a very boring part of the movie. There's action at the funeral and on top of a speed bullet but it's really a slog. Mariko is such a lifeless mannequin doll who randomly allows herself to be dragged by bad guys then expertly inflict some aikido on them and then let them drag her again. Damesel or not, make up your mind!

 

Anyway, slog continues with Mariko and Wolverine falling into each other's arms prompting yet another pointless visit from Jean cause his desire to live (Mariko) is now fighting his desire to die (Jean). Scratch Shakespeare, this is Greek tragedy.

 

To move the plot forward, Mariko is abducted yet again. This movie moves forward only thanks to her abductions so this is 50th in a row. Fortunately for Wolverine, Mariko's adopted sister Pink (she has Pink hair and inpenetrable accent so I didn't catch her name)  is Exposition Mutant so she fills him in with what happened, is happening and will happen. The latter exposition claims he will die in an OTT scene akin to Crank 2. Wolverine calls bullshit. And when you call bull on a prophecy...

 

...It comes true! Wolverine does a scan on himself to find out why he can't self-heal. Turns out, he has a scorpion in his heart. Apparently, that's what happened when Viper kissed him though her power seems to be puking acid and not breeding scorpions a la Alien Queen but whatever. Wolveirne decides to claw the scorpion out of his heart. Now, this is as ridiculous as it gets without any extra ridiculous interruption but they had to complicate the matter with more uninentionally hilarious pointless action. Enters Mariko's father, a douche who, like about 1000+ other people, tried to kill Mariko. He's sporting a ridiculous samurai armor most likely to protect him from Wolverine's claws now safely stuck in Wolvie's chest searching for heart scorpion. He is also played by Japan's very own Keanu, the most wooden Asian actor alive - Sanada. However, Pink is an expert katana-wileder so we have OTT fight over Wolvies stretcher. Two struggles are nothing short of epic - Wolvie is desperately trying to poke a scorpion out of his heart, Sanada is desperately trying to emote anger, angush, ambition, dishonor that comes with starring in this while Watanabe is Nolan's muse. Only one succeeded in his effort.

 

The victor and his pink-haired self-proclaimed bodyguard are heading to a fascility so top secret that they knew where to find it. Viper is holding Mariko there with the help of Mariko's childhood sweety who figured that Mariko must've banged Wolverine. So she cannot expect help. There, she is introduced to a Jaeger! Yes, Adementium Jaeger! So if you couldn't see the twist telegraphed from almost the beginning of the movie, you must have figured it out now. It's a Jaeger. That means it has a pilot. And the pilot could only be...

 

But before we spoil the most obivous twist, Wolvie and Jaeger have a fight in which Jaeger wants to declaw Wolvie and take his bone marrow or maybe his healing power. Now you deifnitely know who pilots the Jaeger.

 

But before we get to the most ridiculous scene of the movie littered with them, here comes second most ridic one. Viper has some WTF skin change from her sexy self to her sexy self. Yeah, you read that right. She only dropped her Hulk Hogan wig to reveal Bald Britney head that was her best look. I've no clue why she was shedding some thin snake-like skin only to end up looking like herself but bald.

 

Anyway, Pink decapitates her in a very creative fashion which is one out of 2 only good scenes in the movie (first being dramatization of Baumer's book). This is also a moment when - shocker of shockers - it's revealed that old grandfather who once outran atomic explosion is Jaeger pilot! he does a typical villain speech about what makes him thick and how his thickness can be twarted and while he's sucking Wolvie's lifeforce he starts getting younger and younger until he reaches the age of himself during the nuclear explosion. Now, if the movie had any creativity, they'd let him grow young until he becomes a baby which would be epic shooting himself in a foot. But alas, before he reaches even teenage years, Mariko stabs him with Wolverine's claws and he dies. marko inherits billions and Wolverine and Pink board a plane to take them to unknown future.

 

2 years later or 3 minutes after credits start rolling - Wolvie is about to beep at customs checkpoint when metal starts lifting and very old Magento (geez, Sir Ian really aged but still has more charisma than his younger counterpart) shows up behind him and asks for his help against Plot Device #78 - a superbomb that can destroy all mutants (which is the only plot X Men movies have). Then the time stops and very Botoxed Professor X shows up. he also has more charisma than his younger counterpart. The End.

 

I give this F-. Fuckin terrible. Worst movie I've seen this year. Hugh was as reliable as ever but the script robbed him of quirky lines that make Wolverine so appealing. This was one boring broodfest. Japoanese cast was a complete disaster. Hugh had ZERO chemsitry with Mariko and dead Jean. Remember when Wolverine and Jean were scorching? Well, brooding and playing a ghost kill the sparkage. The story was dumb shit that thought it was as profound as Platon and Homer. Total waste of my free ticket.

 

 

What a bunch of crap, just pure diarrhea

[fishstick]

What a bunch of crap, just pure diarrhea

 

You summed up the movie perfectly.

[Goffe]

I'm so glad that this year had at least one great movie, cause I loved The Wolverine. TW starts very promising and ends brilliantly.

 

Wolverine A-

X2 B+/A-

X3 B/B+

X1 C+

Origins D

Edited August 6, 2013 by Goffe

[Goffe]

fvck different opnions, but no one in the right mind would like Origins more, Wolverine is infinite levels above Origins

[RobinHood26]

Goffe Im actually surprised you enjoyed it this much! We usually see pretty eye to eye. 

[Goffe]

Goffe Im actually surprised you enjoyed it this much! We usually see pretty eye to eye. 

It really surprised me that you hated it, because like you said, we are pretty eye to eye when it comes to movies opinion. I loved how TW was character driven and yet had exhilarating action, really refreshing.

[RobinHood26]

It really surprised me that you hated it, because like you said, we are pretty eye to eye when it comes to movies opinion. I loved how TW was character driven and yet had exhilarating action, really refreshing.

 

It was refreshing and I was very excited, I thought the idea was really good, but the script was bad and the whole film suffered tremendously because of it. The opening scene was a sold A from me though as well as the Bullet train fight. I was on the edge of my seat.  

 

I really like Mangold as a director too.

[Goffe]

I really like Mangold as a director too.

He is really underrated director, loved Knight and Day and liked a lot of Walk the Line.

[4815162342]

First 90 minutes was pretty good but then the Megazord climax was kinda bland.

[cookie]

Surprised by some of the negativity this is getting. Same level as Origins? Come on, that movie played on tv as I got home from watching the new one (funnily enough) and from what I saw it was shit, even worse than I remember. The new one is LOADS better than that.

 

But is it great? No. It's for the most part decent. Nothing stood out as exceptionally great, even if there were some cool scenes, but nothing was exceptionally terrible either, even if some parts were kinda lame. I like how they made Wolverine a lot more rough than I remember him being in some of the other films. Still sympathetic, but isn't afraid to cut down those that stand against him. Hugh Jackman nails the part as always, here's hoping he sticks around if they're making more X-men films.

 

The rest of the characters were overall okay. The girlfriend was sympathetic enough (and hot as hell too). That red-haired chick had her cool moments even if the whole "psychic" part felt more like a forced plot device than an actual character trait. The villains were also okay, two-dimensional at the very best but not terrible. I like how they actually speak Japanese to each other which adds some authenticity to the whole thing, but there's one scene that reverts back to the "let's have them speak English because the audience can't bother to read the subtitles" trope completely out of random. Then they go back to having them speaking Japanese. What was the point of changing it up for that one scene?

 

Viper was the film's low point, though. Not that she was awful, but mostly out of place. She's just too much of a cheesy femme fatale and it only ends up distracting where most of the other characters are a bit more grounded and believable. That comicbook-y costume she wears during the climax doesn't help either.

 

And yeah, that last 30 minutes felt weak. Mostly because it goes from a (mostly) serious tale about Wolverine's conflict with his (im)mortality to a pretty standard comic book climax. It's like the film starts going through a checklist of clichés all of a sudden. Super-villain location? Check. Damsel used as bait? Check. Baddie monologues to the hero about their plans as said hero is in a tight spot? Check. Hero is saved at the last moment by an unexpected intervention? You bet. Silver Samurai reminded me a lot of the Destroyer from Thor, being a tall-but-not-really-giant CGI robot with heating powers and such. I'm confused as to why Wolverine lost his adamantium claws entirely so I hope it's actually building up to something in future movies.

 

The mid-credits scene was pretty damn cool, mostly because you don't expect both Magneto and Professor X to appear with all their powers back. It's a nice teaser for the next film.

 

Overall a respectable effort. Could it have been better? Absolutely, but I'm glad that it held up for at least one viewing. The direction is generally solid, the cast for the most part give respectable performances and there's some cool images to behold. Origins looked ugly and some it's visuals were so bad I refused to believe they were finished, here it looks generally solid (but that CGI bear at the beginning was lousy and quite frankly pointless). I wasn't keen on seeing this (only did it as a favor to my brother who's a big fan of X-men) but I didn't end up disliking it, something I can't say about either Last Stand or Origins.

 

A 6.5/10 for now.

Edited August 7, 2013 by C00k13

[Goffe]

I loved every scene with Jean Grey, so damn well made and emotional