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Plain Old Tele

The ALL-NEW (Fake) Box Office Theory FAQ -- IMPORTANT! PLEASE READ!

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The New Forum FAQ


(Courtesy of @chasmmi -- praise him with great praise!)



First a bit about the site.  This was founded by Shawn Robbins.  He created a different site for all of to head to after releasing a Trojan Virus onto the Boxofficemojo.com site, permanently obiterating their forums which had been a bastion of all things Box Office since 1965.  Tele was at those forums from the beginning and so was initially hit the hardest at the loss of almost 50 years of box office complaining. However, he eventually led the forced Exodus over to the site that we all know and love today. Today,  Water Bottle is the main guy here with Tele as the head admin.  They do an abysmal job, failing to keep trolls in line while also block banning waves of old and beloved posters for reasons such as disliking Skybeams or not watching Pete's Dragon. 


We do survive on donations because it costs a fair bit of money to operate a site like this.  It's around $3000 a year and thus we run monthly compulsory donation drives where members are threatened with lifetime bans from the internet if they do not upgrade to super platinum membership where a mere $200 a month gets you up to 11 likes a week to use at your leisure.  For more info on this, contact Tele or WB via their PAs in Beverly Hills.  


Multiplier:  A multiplier for a film is when you take the opening weekend gross then pull a random number between 1.7 and 6 and declare that this will be the final finishing total for the film.  So for an example; Beauty and the Beast had an opening weekend of 175M, I really liked this film and so therefore the multiplier will be 4.5 for a final gross of $787.5M, Justice League on the other hand is from DC and so therefore is it opens to 175M, it will get a multiplier of 1.6 for a finishing total of $245M because we do not like DC movies around these parts.   


Internal multiplier:  This i similar to multipliers above except that you really have to be quick on the trigger with the arse number-pulling. Internal Multipliers are decided the moment that somebody opens a Thursday midnight thread asking about midnight numbers. You must get you internal multiplier declaration in quickly before any solid numbers are released otherwise the number will be seen as invalid. This is also the small window within which all WWW (What went Wrong) threads are allowed to be made. 


Front loaded:  This is when a film seems to be popular opening weekend, but we do not want to believe or accept it. We use this term as a coping mechanism whenever something by Michael Bay or Marvel opens to impressive numbers. Depending on the film and how well it continues to do despite our protests, frontloadedness can last anything from Opening Day up to 6 weeks into release.


Leggy: This is the opposite to Front Loaded. This is the term we use when a beloved film we have been waiting for for months or even years opens to low numbers. As with the above, legs can kick in at any time. If Spiderman opens to 60M, drops to 20M on the second weekend and down to 6.5M on the third weekend but then 4th weekend makes 5.5M... BOOM: LEGS! 


If you love a film enough, then it can become leggy at any point in its run. The prime weekends for a film to hit Leggy status are: 4 day weekends, Christmas vacation and the first weekend of its dollar theatre run.


Cheap Tuesdays:  Cheap Tuesdays is the day within each week where people who do not wish to wait the 7 weeks required for a film to develop 'Leggy' status, can declare the success of their favourite film early on. If you support a film enough, then any increase on a Tuesday is cause for celebration. Coco opened to $29M? It's fine because it increased 12% on Cheap Tuesday! everything is going to be okay now. It works for any occasion.  


Our sources....our Gods.....our two ENLIGHTENED ONES CJohn and Baumer are our two go to prediction guys. We don't know where they get their inspiration from and we don't ask.  But they have access to raw passionate premonitions that the rest of us can only dream of.  When you see the name CJohn or Baumer predicting in a thread, that means magic is about to happen. 


CJohn focuses more on studio futures. If you want to know which studio will be closing its doors next year, CJohn is the guy in the know. Want to know how Lionsgate fucked up this time, Cjohn is your man. Want to know how pessimistic it is okay to be about Star Trek, Cjohn again it who you measure yourself against. 


Meanwhile Baumer is more of an expert in beloved blockbusters. If you want to know which film out of Rogue One and Independence Day Resurgence is going to cross $400M and which is not, Baumer can tell you. However unlike Cjohn, Baumer does sometimes seek the help of other mods or admins. Tele for example is the resident expert on the prospects of Cyberthrillers in China. 


Other sources are: The first guy to make a prediction in any weekend thread, people that heard from a guy that that guys friend said and also the number-filled arses of many vocal predictors.   


Summer vs non summer:  In the summer, because everyone is out of school, the forums are a nightmare with teenagers running rampant with predictions of Twilight OW $375M, or Smurfs Movie is Coming!! Mad Max SUXXX!!!! This film will break out because it has Boobies! During Summer time, the mods tend to just sit back and let the trolls do their thing, which pour Jack Daniels onto a bowl of cornflakes and wishing for the sweet release of death.


Non Summer is a happier time. Shitstorms are reserved mostly for weekends and we can enjoy making 4 different and separate lists to declare the best film of each year, which never fail to produce 4 different winners despite being held at the same time and voted for by the same people. In addition, none of the winning four films proves a popular decision for anyone.


Original film or property:  Original film is used to describe a film that we like so that we can see it as existing on a higher plane to those films that we do not like. A Prime example of an original film is The Dark Knight. This film has the perfect tri-fecta on being Directed by a hack director, produced by a beloved critically acclaimed studio and starring no name actors in forgettable roles. This film is original because people like it and admitting it is part of a franchise makes it sound cheap and whorey. 


A property on the other hand is any film that we wish to put down. If a film is popular but bizarrely lacks the usual failings that all popular films are about to have, your Hail Mary pass becomes declaring it a property or (god forbid) a franchise. Ignorami, may try to argue that a franchise requires more than one installment, but they are mistaken. Any film can become a franchise simply by adding the word 'Potential'. You want to put down Inception and make it sound generic and uninventive? Declare it to be 'Potential Franchise Starter, Inception' and the job is done.


In more recent years, the vernacular available to demean a film's quality has expanded to include phrases such as 'Shared Universe', 're imagining and the worst of the worst: 'Reboot'.  


The domestic box office or DOM, is the first Box Office we go to when trying to declare the film we like to be good. The DOM is the first list that people see on BOM.com and as such is the most important, even if you are not from wherever in the world DOM may be. When needed, DOM is the only Box Office that you need to worry about. Lego Batman made nearly $180M DOM - it's a worldwide smash hit! Other places do not matter. 


 After DOM comes Worldwide Box Office or WW. This is our second choice list, when DOM fails our film of choice. When BvS has a lower DOM total than Secret Life of Pets, Deadpool or Jungle book, we turn to WW. WW makes everything better. We can just close our eyes, take a deep breath and scream $873M!!! $873M into the void until we turn blue and everything feels better. The great thing about this is that it doesn't even matter that TJB and SLOP made more WW also, we just feel better because $873M is a nice big number.  


Finally if all else fails there is China or ... um China. China is the place to go if you are Stanning for a film you really should not be stanning for. If you think Warcraft was the number one film of last year, or that Vin Diesel is the Daniel Day Lewis of Fun, then China has a Box Office for you. It is a little quirky, true. But if you have made it far looking to vindicate your film, then you will likely fit right in. 


As a sidenote, the worrying increase of crazy stans being saved by China led to the creation of a special China containment zone within the forum to house these people so that they cannot harm themselves or the people around them. 


A final sidenote, the lists above can also be used for the inverse motivations. Want to put down Get Out? Simple, call it a flop because it didn't make 47M in Germany. 


We hope that this introduction to how our forum works proves useful for all members new and old.


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2 minutes ago, YourMother said:

How come you didn't mention the number God RTH and how we need sacrifices for him to arrive.


Because that's not an April Fool's joke, that's an actual fact.

Edited by cookie
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6 minutes ago, That One Guy said:

I'm obviously the most reasonable guy here.  Just look at my predictions!  200M+ for The BFG, 180M+ for Girl on the Train, 300M for Passengers, 1B for Monster Trucks, 243M for La La Land, and 200M+ for Valerian!

The only unreasonable one I can see is Valerian

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7 minutes ago, That One Guy said:

I'm obviously the most reasonable guy here.  Just look at my predictions!  200M+ for The BFG, 180M+ for Girl on the Train, 300M for Passengers, 1B for Monster Trucks, 243M for La La Land, and 200M+ for Valerian!


hey before the winter i probably would have liked that prediction for Monster Trucks given i had doing a crapload more than it did :ph34r::ohmygod:

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